Hao so?
"I'll see you next week bro" as I walked out of Hao's hospital room the Saturday before he passed. A week later, I texted, "Happy Father's Day man...Was thinking of coming by." I didn't get a text back, but my wife Tracy got a text from Ana saying he had passed. My mouth dropped and to this day, I am still in denial because Hao was indestructible. I regret not spending more time with Ana & Hao these past few years and will forever have so many "left unsaid" things that will occupy my mind from here on out.
I end up going to Paris a few weeks later and I saw a younger version of Hao...a 20 year old something, who was just walking in a museum looking at stuff. This is the Hao I didn't know, the post high school, college student Hao. I spent many a nights in his garage drinking Coors Light and talking about our childhoods. His was hella difficult, but gave him a work ethic like no other. He was in survival mode from early on and as I was looking at this dude walking around the museum, I was having mini conversations with Hao in my mind. It's mostly me asking, "How could this happen to you?" I remember him telling me his paper route stories; waking up super early in the morning every freaking day folding papers with his mom to deliver before school. His mom's story from Vietnam and his brother's story are etched in my mind. And when he talks, he speaks unemotionally and in an "as-a-matter-of-fact" tone. This was the Hao I knew; calculating, analytical, and practical.
Some time later, I saw another "Hao" in a small town called Saumur. This time, it was current Hao. Again, this guy was having a beer and just resembled Hao in his face, mannerisms and smoking a cig. This is the Hao I knew. I met him about a decade ago and for the first five years, we saw each other a lot and I truly enjoyed the intellectual conversations we would have. He told me once that "we don't know anything about anything, so to contemplate about unknown things is useless." This was the part of Hao I will miss dearly; blatant, precise, and thought-provoking. Emotions were not his thing and probably why I related to him on that level. We talked about anything and everything, from politics, sports, philosophy and the mystery of being alive. These were the years before his kids were born and when they came, we saw each other a lot less. I had two small ones, he had two small ones and life just is busy with them. I would have loved to known how his kids would have brought the emotions out full force and demand his pinpoint, laser mindset to a mushy lovebug where words just can't articulate how you feel when you have a baby.
Then in Barcelona, I saw the last version of Hao; this was the old man about 70 years of age and he was walking with his lady strolling the cobblestone streets admiring all the liveliness of the city. This is the part I still struggle with because Hao was a brilliant man in so many ways and then add the wisdom of growing older, I will miss the future conversations. We all have demons to deal with and so did Hao. It would have been nice to see the fully evolved Hao who would be a perfect balance of logic and emotion. I regret not spending time with him to just be there even if it was to sit silently. I still have mini conversations and/or thoughts of Hao and I hope this will continue indefinitely. "Old Hao" with teenage kids and a Coors Light is something I will not get to enjoy.
When I saw him seven days before he passed, I still felt like "Hao will beat this." There were other people in the room, so I didn't feel comfortable getting into it with him, but he was asking about my high school students and making small talk. I left there saying, "I'll see you next week" and walked out. My wife knew he was not in good shape, but I didn't feel that. I just felt his brain would find a way to solve the problem. Unfortunately, that did not come to fruition and he was taken far too early. I miss you dear friend, love you and thank you for the memories.
